Relationships

 

 

 

 

 

 

Partner Abuse

 

What is Abuse?

Getting into arguments with your partner, family members, children and/or friends is a normal part of having relationships. You may feel angry, frustrated, misunderstood and disappointed when you are not getting along people close to you. Feelings like these are healthy and normal as long as you deal with them in ways that don’t harm others or yourself.

On the other hand, when anger is out of control and letting it out means hurting others with actions and/or words, this is called abuse. Abuse comes in many forms, and its most common victims are women and children.

Forms of abuse included:

  • Physical abuse (being hit, pinched, slapped, pushed, punched, kicked, burned, shot, stabbed or cut);
  • Sexual abuse (being forced to have sex when you don’t want to);
  • Emotional/mental abuse (being criticized, threatened, stalked, or controlled by someone); and
  • Financial abuse (having your money and basic needs - food, shelter, and medical care - controlled or withheld by someone).

Abusive relationships are very dangerous and unhealthy for your mind, body and spirit. They are also very dangerous to the health and well being of children, even if they are not the ones being threatened, hit or yelled at. It can be very hard for some people to recognize that they and/or their children are being abused. This is especially true for pregnant and/or women with small children who are dependant on their partners/abusers for support. If the person you love and/or live with acts in any of the ways listed below, you and/or your children may be suffering from abuse.


You are probably in an abusive relationship if your partner:

  • Criticizes you all the time about little things.
  • Embarrasses or puts you down when you are alone or in front of other people.
  • Gets angry and accuses you of cheating and blames you for his/her violent outbursts. These outbursts get really intense and usually happen when your partner has been drinking or using drugs.
  • Threatens to hurt or kill you and the people you care about (including your children and pets). Abusers may threaten you physically with a weapon or by hitting, shoving, slapping, kicking, or biting. They may also force you to have sex against your will.
  • Destroys your property and personal belongings.
  • Tries to prevent or discourage you from seeing friends and family, or going to work or school.
  • Controls and Monitors what you're doing all the time including:
    • What you spend your money on and how much you have to spend.
    • How you use prescribed medicines.
    • Who you see and where you go.

Stages of Abuse

All abusive relationships are different but they all tend to follow a common cycle of abuse. Read the information below on cycle of abuse to see if it matches what happens in your relationship.

 

Tension Building Stage
In this beginning stage of abuse, abusers may insult or put down their partners and accuse them of cheating, flirting and or lying about things. Abusers might demand answers to a lot of questions in a forceful way. This may lead to slapping or shoving. Abused partners may try to calm their abusers down and start blaming themselves for abusers’ frightening behaviour. Abused partners might think that they deserve the abuse because they did, or didn’t do something that made their abusers angry. Abused partners might also feel badly for not being able to control the situation. In this stage abused people become more and more passive while their abusers become more aggressive, cruel and controlling. The tension increases and becomes unbearable.

 

Acute Battering Stage
In the acute battering stage the tension explodes into some form of physical violence. Abusers want to teach abused partners a lesson, not necessarily hurt them. It is common for abusers to blame the violence on alcohol or overwork but these are only triggers. The real cause is usually related to something more serious that is going on, or has gone on in the abuser’s life. Abusers don’t usually recognize the real cause, or causes of their behaviour. It is during this stage that abused people are most likely to be seriously physically injured, or even lose their lives through either suicide or murder. Abusers will only stop once they think their abused partner has learned a lesson. The only way to end the violence at this point is for abused people to find a safe place to hide (somewhere their abusers can’t find them). It is after this stage that abused people are most likely to leave.


Honeymoon Stage
In this stage there is a period of calm. Abusers feel shame and guilt for their actions and abused people can feel guilty about protecting themselves (even though they might feel relieved). Abusers often become extra kind and loving towards their abused partners. They might shower abused partners with gifts, ask for forgiveness and promise never to act abusively again. Abusers really believe they can control themselves and that they would never hurt their abused partners again. There is a "code of silence" between the abuser and the abused when they don’t talk about it with each other or anyone else. Denying the abuse in this way helps abused people to convince themselves that their abusers "really love” them and that their abusers have changed. If abused partners stay with their abusers, chances are that abusers will not seek counseling. The honeymoon stage varies in time and intensity, but it isn't long before the loving behaviour gives way to a build up of tense feelings, and the cycle begins again.

 

For information on abusive relationships and how to prevent and deal with them, visit the Relationships Preventing and Dealing with Abuse section of this site, or visit the websites below:

BC Health Guide
http://www.healthlinkbc.ca/kbase/topic/symptom/dabus/overview.htm

Health Canada
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/fem-2006-abuse-wrg_e.pdf

Victoria Women’s Transition House
http://www.transitionhouse.net/what_is_abuse/

 

 

Sources:

US Department of Health and Human Services: What is Abuse? http://www.4women.gov/violence/signs/
Health Canada: Abuse is wrong in any language.
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/fem-2006-abuse-wrg_e.pdf
Victoria Women’s Transition House Society: Stages of an Abusive Relationship. http://www.transitionhouse.net/what_is_abuse/cycle.php