Parenting

Parenting Styles

Being a parent is not simple or something that usually comes easily to anyone. There are many different kinds of children and many different ways of being a good parent. The way you act towards, and talk to your children in difficult and frustrating situations amounts to how you parent them. What follows are 4 common “parenting styles” that parents use. You may find that you use only 1 of these styles, or that you use a mixture of these styles.

The Sergeant Major Parent

Sergeant Major Parents pride themselves on having lots of rules and being very strict about making children follow them at all times without explanations. Usually, these rules are backed up with threats and punishment instead of reasons why they are important for health and safety. The basic message here is “do as I say because I say so, or else!”
For example, Sergeant Major Parents might insist that their child wears matching socks because that’s the rule. In a situation like this, where the choice is harmless, it might be much better for the child to let them choose which socks to wear.
Sergeant Major Parents don’t always think about the reasons for their rules. They also may not realize how important it is to children’s development and sense of self control to allow and encourage them to make some decisions for themselves.

Children of Sergeant Major Parents tend to:

• Have low self-esteem and difficulty trusting themselves to make their own decisions.
• Be easily led by their peers and eager to please others at their own expense.
• Be very well behaved as little children, but very rebellious as teens.
• Respond to problems by making excuses or blaming others.
• Mislead their parents by lying about what they are doing and trying to look innocent when in fact they are doing things they know they’re not suppose to do. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame later in life.
• Turn away from their parents and their parents’ values and beliefs. This sometimes leads to children (as adults) cutting off all contact with their parents.

The Jellyfish Parent

Jellyfish parents have trouble taking charge of situations because they think that being firm and setting proper limits for their children means they are cruel “meanies”. These parents are trying to be buddies with their children and don’t know how to be ‘in charge’ and loving at the same time. As a result of this, Jelly Fish parents waste a great deal of energy and time trying to convince their children to follow the rules, instead of asking them to do things, and taking appropriate action if they don’t. These parents will nag, beg, and/or try to bribe their children into behaving and doing what they are told.

With Jellyfish parents, children become confused about who’s in charge and what they’re supposed to do. Parents feel frustrated with their children’s behaviour and powerless to do anything about it.  Children might not follow the rules because they know the rules aren’t firm, that their parents can be pushed around, and that eventually they will get their way.
Jelly Fish parents can suddenly turn into Sergeant Majors when they’ve reached their breaking point. These parents forget that one of their most important jobs as parents is to set simple and clear boundaries, rules and limits for their children to follow, and be prepared to enforce them calmly, firmly and consistently.

Children of Jelly Fish Parents tend to:

• Take charge of situations or “running the show" by acting out of control and constantly demanding that they have their way.
• Lack self-esteem, self discipline and self-control because their parents never showed them how to follow rules and act within limits.
• Feel confused and smothered.
• Experience rage, anger and self hatred.

For many complicated reasons, some parents don’t play a big role in their children’s lives. Sometimes this is because parents die when their kids are young, they are ill or when there’s a serious problem like abuse and/or addiction. Some parents are physically capable of seeing their children, and/or physically available to them, but are still not involved and connected with their children. For example, parents who are stressed about money and work, or who have mental and emotional problems, may live in the same house as their children and see them every day, but are not really connected and involved with their children. This parenting style is called absent parenting. These parents may not be very loving with their children, nor take time regularly to play with, talk to, or just spend time a lot of quality time with their children.

Children of Absent Parents tend to:

• Misbehave to get attention.
• Feel insecure, mistrusted and unloved.
• Feel they have to work hard to get people to pay attention to them and love them.
• Feel they’ve done something wrong, or that there’s something wrong with them.

The Back-Bone Parent, or Parent-Coach, is kind, loving and sets firm, clear rules and routines. This parenting style makes family life enjoyable because these parents make children and family life a top priority. The members of this family (children and parents) are clear about who’s in charge and what the rules of the home and family are. These parents are in control of themselves, and know how and when to take control of their children and situations.

They also know when to let their children work things out for themselves, try new things, and take small risks when it’s safe and age appropriate to do so. For example, it’s appropriate and harmless to offer a 3 year old child a choice about whether they want to eat an apple or an orange (with the parent deciding before  hand that these will be the choices). On the other hand, it is inappropriate and potentially deadly to allow a 3 year old child to choose whether she/he wants to hold your hand while crossing the street.

By doing things this way, children learn how to both follow rules and make choices for themselves. Like a back-bone, these parents are flexible and willing to bend, but only to a point. The reasons for rules are carefully thought out in advance and based on what is best for the child and the family now and in the future. Explanations about rules are given briefly and simply, but are not negotiable.

Children of Back-Bone Parents tend to:

• Have confidence in themselves and a healthy sense of self-esteem.
• Trust themselves to make choices and try new things.
• Understand limits and boundaries and know how to follow rules.
• Behave in socially acceptable ways. They can control themselves and know how to accept the answer “no” without throwing fits.

To figure out which parenting styles will works best for you and your children, it’s important to:

• Know what your needs are as a person and a parent.
• Know what your short and long term goals are as a parent in terms of what you want to teach your children and how you want them to feel and behave.
• Know what your children’s needs are, as opposed to what they think they want in the moment.
• Think about and plan your responses to children’s behaviours in advance, instead of reacting to them in ways that are impulsive, angry and unhealthy.

Visit the following links for more information on establishing Routines, Communicating Needs and Feelings, Discipline, and/or dealing with Stressful Situations or visit the websites below:

Active Parenting
http://www.activeparenting.com/parentquiz.htm

iVillage
http://quiz.ivillage.co.uk/uk_parenting/tests/parent.htm

Vancouver School Board
http://www.vsb.bc.ca/vsbprograms/kto12/litmap/Parents/Hints+and+tips.htm

How to Establish a Child’s Routine
http://www.ehow.com/how_11002_establish-childs-routine.html

Toilet Training
http://www.bchealthguide.org/healthfiles/hfile92j.stm

Sources:

Littlies for Practical Parenting: Parenting Styles: What Types of Parent are You? http://www.littlies.co.nz/page.asp?id=628