Parenting
Communicating Needs & Feelings
An important part of parenting is helping children to recognize, understand, and talk about how they feel, and ask for what they need in ways that are respectful and healthy. This means helping children to find and use words to express their feelings and needs to others. One way of teaching children to do this is called non-violent communication.
Non-violent communication
helps people to understand and respect other people’s feelings and needs, as well as their own. This means not making others afraid, blaming them, making them feel guilty or using threats to try and get what you want and need from others. It also means responding to others respectfully, whether you get what you want, or not.
To communicate non-violently you have to do 2 things. The first thing is to listen to others empathetically, and the second thing is to express feelings and needs honestly. Whichever end of this communication line you are on, (the listening end or the expressing end) there are always 4 steps involved.
4 Steps to Non-Violent Communicating
1. Listen to what someone has noticed about a situation or your behaviour, or express what youhave noticed about a situation or someone’s behaviour.
2. Listen to or express feelings.
3. Listen to or express needs.
4. Listen to what someone wants from you, or ask for what you want from someone.
When 2 adults communicate this way, 1 person listens for these 4 things while the other person expresses these 4 things. Parents can coach children through both the expressing part and the listening part until they learn to do it themselves.
For example, suppose you noticed your child had stopped playing with her/his friends and you want to encourage him/her to understand and communicate about why this is happening and what she/her might do about it.
Step 1 – Notice and put words to what is happening - Tell your child what you are noticing about the situation and his/her behaviour - “I’ve noticed that you’ve stopped playing with your friends and are sitting alone frowning since Mary showed up.” “Did something happen to upset you?”
Step 2 – Identify and put words to feelings - “How did it make you feel when that happened?” (Here you can offer feeling words if necessary) – “Did that make you feel angry, left out, or mad?”
Step 3 – Identify and put words to needs - “What do you think you need or could do to make yourself feel better about this?” (Here you can offer words related to needs or wants) – “Do you want to take a break, have a snack, or want to play alone with your friend?”
Step 4 – Identify and ask for what you want - “Maybe you could go over and ask your friends if they would like to try your idea after they’re finished with what they’re doing”. (Let your child know that they may not get the response they want, but that if this happens she/he can try something else). “What else could you ask them or do for yourself that would be fun?”
For more information on understanding and responding to children’s feelings and behaviours visit the Parenting Styles, Stressful Situations, and/or Discipline sections of this site or visit the websites below:
Canadian Pediatric Society
http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviour&parenting/index.htm
Kids Health.org
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/index.html
Sources:
Washington State Child Care Resource and Referral Network: Understanding Your Child’s Feelings. http://www.childcarenet.org/understanding-your-child-s-feelings
Caring for kids (CPS) -
Guiding your child with positive discipline: http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviour&parenting/PositiveDiscipline.htm
When your child misbehaves: Tips for positive discipline http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviour&parenting/Misbehaves.htm